Facing your insecurities

Everyone has insecurities.

Talking with trainer last night and reading some of the blogs I follow this morning really made me think about my insecurities and how I am slowly overcoming them.

I've always been a bigger girl. Gaining weight in high school until I was about 105kgs. Then I went to Sweden for a year as an exchange student and lost 20kgs. I realised a lot about myself while I was over there. A lot about what was really underneath all the layers of fat and shields that I put up around myself.

Yes, shields. The biggest thing I have learnt is that I shield myself from so much because I'm scared of people's judgement and real thoughts about me. So I prevent myself from finding out. From going to the gym and being the only fat person there or being shut down by a guy I might like because he thinks I'm too fat. I have tried to cut myself off from the world.

Now losing weight again and becoming happier, more confident in myself and my strength and resilience means that I am slowly taking those shields down again.

I am trying new things, like burlesque classes. I am meeting new people. I say 'Sure, why not?'  rather than saying 'Are you kidding me?'.

There are still so many insecurities and I want to start addressing them.. starting here in this space where I pour out all the words in my head. So hear goes:

That I'm not strong enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not fast enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not patient enough.
I'm not graceful enough.
I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not a good enough friend.
I don't write enough.
I don't have enough faith.
I'm not funny enough.
I'm not elegant enough.
I'm not fashionable enough.
I'm don't cook from scratch enough. I'm not organic enough.
I don't 'play' enough.
I'm too scared to let my 'fun' side out in case people don't like me for it.
I'm too responsible.

The list goes on.. but I am slowly working through this. I am trying to set aside me time to address my issues so that I don't take it out on others and myself and derail myself on my weight loss journey.

Updates on a dark and wintery morning

So while half the world is enjoying their summer, we in Australia are 'enjoying' our winter.

I get up at 6, and it is dark and cold and I must admit I struggle.

I also get home to dark and cold and I struggle.

Struggle with what? Eating, exercising, life.

I say this, but if you probably were to have a peak into my life you probably wouldn't see too many changes from summer to now. Less walks maybe, less fruit, more time spent in bed.

I haven't skipped any training sessions. So I'm still working out 4 times a week at this stage.

I am still improving my eating habits.. I want to cut back on cheese and sauces.

It's also been hard lately as my sister and her partner have moved back home. And they do not eat what I eat. And because they do not spend the first part of their evenings at training, they tend to be there when the decisions about what to eat for dinner are being made.

This has meant that I have had to come home and make separate meals for myself and means no leftovers for the next day. Meaning I have to buy my lunch. Which isn't too bad as there are lots of healthy places to eat around here. It does mean though I'm spending more money and time on food than I want to.

What do they eat that is so horrible? Lot's of creamy, heavy foods. Foods with a lot of pastry. Foods with everything chucked in without thought for taste.

I hate it.

But what can you do? It's just another part of life and moving on and dealing with the daily challenges of losing weight.

I have my day off from training tomorrow and plan to use it to make a few things in advance to tide me over for the next few days. Planning, planning, planning. It's the only way to successfully lose weight!

Feeling the buzz!

I had a great weekend. I really did! Friday night I went to dinner with two of my besties at a new Japanese restaurant then headed to watch Fast and the Furious 6 at the movies. Unfortunately it was sold out so we watched Hangover 3 instead. Not as good but not bad.

Saturday I did part of my assignment for Interior Design, cleaned up the house and then headed out early for a friends birthday. We spent 6 hours at the pub catching up with old friends and having a great time before heading into the city to a club that's not really my scene. Me and a friend left shortly after as we weren't comfortable there and she was starting to feel a bit sick- probably because of all the strobe lights!

Sunday I did more of my assignment. It had been wet and windy all weekend and finally at about 4 me and my sister decided to brave the weather and take the dogs for a walk. I'm really glad we did, the dogs loved it and it was great to get outside and work off some energy. Unfortunately we got caught in the rain heading home, but nothing a nice hot shower couldn't fix!

I love it when my life is like this. Busy but with enough time to do things like cleaning and cooking. Spending time with friends and getting outside for a bit. It keeps me moving and active.

It made me realise how far my life has changed.

I used to spend weekends like this in bed reading or watching movies eating junk food.

I would never msg someone to organise something. I would wait for them to msg me.

I would never head out in the rain for a walk.

I never used to have this buzz of energy that needed to be worked off. That I felt like I should be doing something, rather than just sitting around.

I would have eaten far more than what I did. Actually I almost forgot to eat for most of the weekend. Except breakfast- I can't miss breakfast!

And the biggest change of all? I looked in the mirror and I could see the way my body had changed. No longer massive rolls showing through my dresses or jeans. No longer big hips and thighs making me a massive pear.

In the last few weeks I have lost even more weight and my work clothes are starting to be a problem - I will need to down size soon. :)

Soon I will need to post pictures! Happy Monday all!

Teeth, headaches, sunshine and Funruns!

Ok, so here is a bit of an update of what is happening over the last week or so:

I'm going halves with mum and building a house. Needless to say there is a lot of paperwork and stress and organising going on.

I have been getting headaches every day because I was grinding my teeth. So I had to get a splint (mouth guard) to wear at night. $500 dollars later and I no longer have headaches-hurray!!

Because of the headaches I wasn't getting much sleep and got sick and had to take a few days off life- work, exercise, friends. I just rested. Now I feel so much better!

It's coming into winter here and highlights just how much I love the sunshine. I get up early and I go to bed early, because of the daylight. Now of course there is so little daylight I get depressed and just want to sleep and read and snuggle in bed. This weekend was glorious and we had so much sunlight it was amazing. I felt like I spent most of it soaking it up, through walks or reading outdoors or playing with the dogs. Hopefully it lasts me a little while.

Yesterday instead of training we did a 6k Funrun with my trainer and a few of the other girls. I think I did alright. Running is something I absolutely hate and don't get. I jogged as much as I could and walked the rest. Today I'm so sore. But I feel good for giving something different a whirl and pushing myself to try stuff even if I don't like it.

I have been getting back into healthy eating again after slipping while I was tired and had headaches. It really is about being well rested and alert that keeps me on track. I'm finding that more and more I don't need to eat as much. I still get hungry regularly, but I don't eat as much at each sitting. I'm also craving fruit and salad rolls/sandwiches.

I got myself organised on the weekend- things like organising my paperwork and folders, clothes that need to be chucked out etc and now feel like my mind is a bit more organised too. Now I want to concentrate on getting myself to eat well all the time, not just Monday-Friday.

I also want to concentrate on giving myself so me time. I'm an introvert and really need to time to myself to process everything and centre myself and lately that's the first thing that gets thrown out the window.

So no more doing that! It might be doing a bit of arts and crafts or reading a book or a long shower and pamper session (doing my nails, a face mask etc) to just wind down.

Well that's the goal anyway! I'm still doing my exercise and doing well. Still losing weight and toning up, as shown by my loose exercise pants.

Happy Tuesday!

Oh wait! I forgot to tell you! I bought another pair of JEANS! Yes that's right, you heard me! Size 16! They look great on me and are actually comfy! :D